Game review 83: Grape Escape
Bloodied berries navigate a chamber of horrors in this 1990s-era board game
Ooo, I could crush a grape.
That's a phrase that will mean literally nothing to anyone born outside of 1970s/early 80s Britain – and therefore probably not a great way to start a post in the year of our lord 2024 with subscribers from across the world – but I’ going to do it anyway.
That’s because Grape Escape, first released in 1992 by Parker Brothers, appears to have been contrived purely by viewers of Stu Francis-era kids TV show Crackerjack and his exuberance-demonstrating catchphrase, with nary a thought for any additional meaning, context or substance.
What’s going on in this board here. Well, up to four players compete, each represented by a team of two grapes, in the form of moulded Play-doh. The game comes with the mould and early doors this proves an instant hit with E, who revels in creating our fruity components as much as the game itself.
The shocked expression on our grapes is down to the ensuring death-trap torture-device obstacle course they must navigate around that sits in the centre of the board. Plastic scissors, mulchers and stompers all sit and wait for players if they land on an unfortunate square and get unlucky with the dice roll.
Who’s got so much against the grapes? To what end? Apparently a grape juice (wine) factory, but why so evil? Perhaps the factory owner is aware they’re sentient and are proving to be pests around the place. In which case, a) that’s even worse; and b) you’d probably want to capture them alive for scientific study (though, on the other hand, as the old adage goes, if you discovered ET dressed up in a blonde wig and fancy hat, you’d probably kill him with hammers)?
Regardless, despite the gimmick and toy values, what follows is a standard roll-and-move race game, the only real additional strategic mechanic comes via the crank die roll. This means that if no grape is currently stranded in the machine, the player who rolled gets to pick a grape to meet a grisly end. though, unless there’s a particularly malevolent vendetta going on that will result in the board getting flipped, will also focus on whoever is in the lead.
It’s a package that proves absolutely devastating to my daughter’s sense of equilibrium, and she’s giddy with glee at the Play-doh element and the smushing and crushing of the innocent berries as they get minced in the various contraptions.
As for me, while there is hideous joy at my daughter’s response to the game, the whirling cogs of the contraption and the grape’s terrible fates, there’s not enough here to warrant repeat visits, especially as setting up the torture chamber is a right old faff.
The main problem though? My daughter’s love for gruesome grape massacres means that when she’s given the choice to pick out a game, any game, from our shelves to play, her standard call is Grape Escape. Back to the fun factory, I guess
Game facts and stats
Ages
5+
Year published
1992
Publisher
Parker Brothers
Designer
Uncredited
Player count
2–4
E’s review
What do you like best about the game?
“It’s so fun when we get to do the handle and when we see the grape just get squished.”
Is it tricky?
“A little bit because we have to go back to the start if we get squished.”
What would you do to improve the game?
“To put real grapes in it.”
“99/10”
My review
Set-up time
The game literally takes longer to set up then to play. About 15-20 minutes
Cost
The standard price for a vintage copy seems to be about £40-£45, though you may get lucky and snag it for £20. Hasbro did release an update, but even then, copies go for about £35 for that.
Practicality
It’s a big box, nothing out of the ordinary for am early 1990s shelf, but not one that’ll suit the Kallax unit. You’ll likely need to get your own Play-doh, too. Plus there’s the aforementioned build to go through.
Fun for parents?
I can see a blurry-eyed, wine-fuelled night with friends that this might suit. However, your child’s enjoyment of this game will far outlast yours. A marvellous kids game, one that works brilliantly if you want to get very young kids into board gaming. Beyond that, as a family pastime it’s one that may start to grate for the adults in the group, unless you just want to give the game up and terrorise your Play-doh pals with the kids instead.
